Atonement
by brandstifterin
Summary: Atonement (noun) - To make amends for a former sin. Events conspire to challenge Serena Campbell to right a wrong and possibly even receive some unexpected comfort herself. One shot. Complete.


**AN: I've been struggling with the next chapter of 'Betrayal', writing Ric's POV is proving harder than I thought and that feeling of being stuck has transferred itself over to my other stories so no updates on them just yet :-( but soon :-) **

**This is a one-shot which has been floating around my mind for a while and I've tried to resolve the issue of Serena and Chantelle's currently non-existent working relationship. We haven't really seen them interact in any scenes since Serena dropped the complaint against everyone's favourite nurse (at the time of writing) beyond awkward exchanges of saline bags and syringes. Also, we saw all (I think) of the main characters except for Serena find out about Tara Lo's death so (ignoring her comment about Hanssen keeping vigil on Darwin) Serena had to find out somehow. This little tale sets out to resolve both of those in a bit of a 'what if' AU situation.**

**Usual disclaimers apply – none of the characters are mine, nor do I own Holby or anything Holby-related. I'm just playing in the sandbox and will tidy up after myself and put them back as I found them. Perhaps. **

**Onwards!**

* * *

"Now _that_ is how you do a full set of electives, a ward inspection, a management update to the board and run the whole hospital in one..." Serena strides over to the nurses' station, placing a folder down onto a stack of others for one of nurses to sort. She pauses, noticing the sombre expressions on the staff in front of her. "Day."

Chantelle looks like she is fighting back tears and Serena frowns before moving her gaze on – since her mother's stroke, the nurse has been quite prone to emotional fluctuations. The F1, Digby, seems to have lost his recently-acquired confidence, the result of whatever it is he has been attempting – Serena isn't quite sure what the junior doctor's inspiration has been – and he has reverted back to an overgrown child, hugging a folder to him as a barrier against the world, awkwardly fiddling with his glasses.

"Christ, who died?" Serena wonders out loud; she'd only been off the ward for little over two hours and the two young staff members in front of her are looking like someone has just kicked their favourite pet in front of them. Chantelle makes an odd, choked sound in response and practically flees to the staff locker room, Serena raises an eyebrow at the display, not bothering to turn around to track the nurse's progress.

"It, err..." Digby's mumbling gets Serena's attention and she fixes him with a glare, her scrutiny making him stumble over his words even more. "Well, that is to say, that-"

"Maybe you should go and check on Nurse Lane, Dr. Digby." Ric appears at Serena's shoulder, gently instructing the young doctor who nods, uneasily but leaves immediately, clearly still intimidated by Serena.

"Yes. Of course." He gets approximately half a dozen steps away before remembering the folder in his hands and turns back and then stops, obviously unsure whether to deposit the folder back at the nurses' station before going after Chantelle or whether he should head to the locker room first and return the folder later.

"Oh for God's sake." Serena sighs out loud, seeing the F1's dilemma. "Give it here and then go and see whatever is the matter with her," she tells him, taking the folder out of his hands.

'We've got our work cut out with this one', thinks Serena as she watches Digby nearly walk into and then attempt to apologise to one of the pillars on his way to find the blonde nurse. Shaking her head as she adds Digby's folder on top of hers, Serena turns to Ric, hoping for some kind of explanation and less of the madness. "What on earth was that all about?"

"I think perhaps this is a conversation best had off the ward." Ric's measured tone reminds Serena of Hanssen, it gives nothing away and she mutely follows Ric back to their shared office, ignoring the tendril of worry starting to creep up on her.

* * *

Serena precedes Ric into their office on Keller as he holds the door open for her and she props herself against her wooden desk, waiting for Ric's announcement.

"What was all that about?" Serena questions as soon as Ric shuts the door. She isn't overly bothered by Chantelle's emotional display, as long as it doesn't affect the running of her ward, the blonde nurse has plenty of friends to cry on after her shift is over if that is what she needs to do.

Ric doesn't answer straight away and makes no move towards his own desk, electing to stand in the middle of the room, half turned away from Serena. Serena waits for a couple of heartbeats before rolling her eyes and pushing herself back onto her feet and travelling around the desk until she's sat down; Ric is obviously in some kind of a dramatic mood and perhaps she can get some work done while she waits for an explanation from him.

"It was Tara Lo's operation today," Ric begins to explain, turning his head to face Serena as she begins to type, his tone measured as he selects his words. It takes Serena a moment or two to recall who Tara Lo is but she is still in the dark as to what the operation is about or in aid of and so she waits for Ric to continue his explanation.

"The call came down from Henrik on Darwin about twenty minutes ago and Chantelle answered the call." Serena's mind is whirring and she knows that she is probably frowning but she is confused, several things aren't adding up in her mind.

"Hang on Ric," she looks up from her laptop screen, "Not only is Mr. Hanssen on leave today and therefore can't have been on Darwin, what is this operation for? Who is her consultant?" Serena continues to rattle off the questions until Ric interrupts her.

"Serena." Ric's firm tone gets her attention.

"It was all explained in the email," Ric turns back to the door and adds in a disapproving tone "you just probably haven't found the time to read it yet."

"But I didn't get an email." Serena tells the empty room, Ric has already gone back onto the ward, shutting the door quietly behind him and Serena is left with just as many questions as before.

Muttering to herself that it's obviously 'too much like hard work just to answer the bloody question', Serena decides to humour Ric and double clicks on the Outlook icon, waiting for her inbox to load.

Nothing.

No emails from or about Tara Lo except for a brief one from Elliot Hope, announcing her withdrawal from contention for the F1 Prize. There is no mention of any operation and Serena shakes her head – Ric has obviously got his wires crossed.

Just to double-check, Serena scrolls through the other messages, there's one from Cunningham, one from a lady in HR (but not in reference to Darwin's F1), a couple from Hanssen about possible partnerships and a time adjustment for yesterday's senior consultants' meeting and she deletes the message.

Her mouse hovering over the 'Empty' button for the deleted messages, Serena pauses and moves the cursor off and clicks on the deleted messages folder on a whim. She has scrolled down about 70 or 80 messages when a message from 'Tara Lo' jumps out at her.

_Subject: [ALL] I have something to tell you_

It's still marked as unread and Serena is certain that she hasn't read it. In fact, she vaguely remembers deciding to delete it without reading once she'd seen that it was addressed to everyone in the hospital. Huffing in annoyance, she double-clicks on the message and blinks to allow her eyes to adjust to the new text on the screen and she reads the message.

_Dear Friends and Colleagues,_

_For some years now I have lived with the fact that I have a tumour on my brain. Until recently it hasn't affected my working life at Holby and I'm well, myself. However, very recently it has been confirmed that the tumour is now growing_

_I'm afraid this means you won't be seeing me back on the wards for some time._

_I hope you understand that I find this easier to tell you by email, rather than in person._

_Sincerely (with love)_

_Tara Lo_

Serena had believed the email to be little more than a request for sponsorship for something or other and fed up of those types of messages, Serena had deleted it without reading; the contents of the message couldn't be further from what she had assumed.

She exhales heavily as she finishes, sitting back in her chair, her gaze locked on the younger doctor's name and she opens and closes her mouth twice as the implications register.

"_Christ, who died?"_

Serena's comment at the nurses' station replays in her head and Serena feels sick as she realises she has got the answer to her question.

* * *

"You. Out."

Serena holds the locker room door open and jerks her head back out onto the ward when Digby looks up at her. He doesn't move immediately and Serena glares at him.

"Now!"

With a last look at Chantelle, Digby gets up and leaves the room, obviously reluctant to leave Chantelle alone with Serena but not confident enough in himself to meet her gaze let alone challenge the consultant.

Serena glares at Digby until the F1 snicks the door shut as he leaves to return to the ward. Once satisfied that the junior doctor wasn't going to return, Serena turns around and fixes her attention on the blonde nurse sat on the bench in front of her, not looking up or even acknowledging Serena's existence and the consultant stares down at her younger colleague.

Nearly a minute passes and it becomes clear that although Chantelle hasn't left, the nurse doesn't have anything to say to Serena and so she makes the first move.

"I was not aware of Dr. Lo's operation nor of its outcome until about a minute ago."

She states, ignoring the way she sounds like the Swedish Director of Surgery and also not having any desire to admit that Serena's ignorance of the unfolding events was her own fault and she makes a mental note to take Hanssen to task for neglecting to mention the reason for his sudden decision to take a day of leave. Serena is also a little bothered at how her uninterested response to Hanssen's seemingly innocuous statement will be viewed by the Swede when the dust has settled; Serena may have to suck up her pride and apologise, she grimaces at the thought.

The nurse huffs dismissively in response to Serena's statement and Serena closes her eyes to fight the temptation to snap at the woman and treat Chantelle like she would treat Eleanor when her daughter takes umbrage with Serena and becomes 'difficult'.

Serena spots the nurse wipe away a stray tear or two and she exhales softly, most of her anger vanishing; Serena has never been adept at fulfilling the comforting role of a parent or carer, actions that seem so come so effortlessly to the upset nurse sat in front of her.

She had never really developed the necessary maternal skills, Eleanor had always been a 'Daddy's Girl' growing up and everything, be it a new painting or a scraped knee was run by her father, Serena's ex-husband first and then possibly past Serena herself if she had time. She can admit now that she had been too focussed on resuming her career, desperate to prove that she hadn't lost any ground by starting a family to give her daughter half the attention she deserved. For the last few years, Serena has felt a little guilty when she recalls her relief that father and daughter were doing so well and how she pretty much left them to it.

Suddenly hit by all the possibilities and events that Serena has missed out on with Eleanor, Serena sits down on the bench near to Chantelle, attempting to suppress the grim memory of the first serious moments of bonding between Serena and Eleanor. It was in the aftermath of Serena's husband announcing that he'd had enough – he'd told Eleanor before telling Serena, informing his daughter how things would be different by Christmas, how they'd have a 'family Christmas' without Serena.

Serena had only found out when called into Eleanor's school and Eleanor had been fighting. Serena's husband had been on call at the hospital and Serena had had a rare day off. The confrontation in the school office had been particularly awkward, Eleanor's accusations had come flooding out to Serena's shock and then Eleanor realised that her mother had no idea her husband was leaving her.

To this day, Serena can still recall the painful ache of the lump in her throat, the smell of the washing detergent on Eleanor's uniform and the uncomfortable plastic chair as she sat and rocked her daughter who sobbed her heart out in the empty office, the pity on the faces of the teachers who'd excused themselves quietly. Although it didn't make up for years of a pseudo-relationship between them, an initially tenuous bond had formed which culminated in Eleanor announcing she wanted to stay with Serena rather than live with her father when they did eventually separate, to everyone's surprise.

Serena has to make herself stop thinking about it all – she could be here all night otherwise, thinking about events she has already repeatedly attempted to analyse and she turns her head, studying the profile of the nurse next to her on the uncomfortable bench. Chantelle has her eyes closed, the odd hitch still present in her breathing.

Oblivious to Serena's internal conflict, the nurse maintains her silence and Serena resolves to at least attempt to repair some of the damage done to their relationship – the nurse has a personal role in Serena's life as well as a professional one; Serena respects Chantelle and (recent events aside) knows that Chantelle looks up to her and without Chantelle, life on Keller just isn't the same for Serena.

"I didn't know," Serena confesses, the sound in the otherwise silent room garnering a small reaction from the nurse. "You know I would never have made that comment if I'd had any idea about Dr. Lo's situation." Chantelle remains silent, it isn't a question after all.

Serena amends her statement, sighing quietly, "at least I hope you know that?" She closes her eyes briefly in relief as she sees Chantelle nod and is thankful that the nurse doesn't flinch when Serena places a hand softly on Chantelle's left shoulder blade, rubbing softly.

The room falls silent again and after a few seconds, Serena retrieves her hand, placing it in her lap, not quite sure how to go about talking to the nurse.

"_In the end, you'll have to do what you think is right."_

Adrienne's words echo in her mind and Serena can see her mum's face in front of her, one eyebrow raised a little as she issues the challenge; an action that Serena herself adopted many years ago and has recently passed onto Eleanor.

Serena reaches up to fiddle with the necklace around her neck that she almost always wears, the familiar feeling of the jewellery comforting her as she makes her decision about how to deal with her colleague.

"I made a mistake," Serena starts, huffing a little as she amends her sentence, the confession feeling unusual in her mouth, "in fact, I've made several recently."

She knows she has Chantelle's attention and imagines that the nurse is torn between instinctively trying to comfort Serena and assure her that her mistakes aren't important and telling Serena just how it feels to come so close to losing her job until an eleventh hour reprieve; she is almost envious of the nurse, Serena wouldn't have been nearly so patient if the roles were reversed – Chantelle's silence may be more than she deserves.

"Some of them have been beyond my control but most of them... most of them haven't." It's the closest that Serena is going to come to admitting she has been at fault. Her confession feels cathartic as she articulates some of what has been bothering her recently. Serena's mention of Adrienne McKinnie, her mother provokes a verbal response from the nurse, her voice cracking slightly.

"I am so sor-"

"I know." Serena cuts Chantelle off, "I know." She repeats, finding that she doesn't need to hear another apology from the nurse.

"Adrienne is one of the nicest people I've ever met." Chantelle allows Serena to interrupt but then continues to speak after the consultant is done.

"And she is certain to tell _me_ at least twice a visit how wonderful _you_ are." Serena retorts dryly before offering Chantelle a sad smile which the nurse returns. "I've just been too blind to notice that recently; living in the role of daughter rather than doctor."

"She's your Mum." Chantelle tells her, as if the three words explain everything and they do, up to a point.

Serena supposes that in a way she has been grieving for the loss of the mother that she knew before and also for her relationship with her daughter; she is far from certain that Eleanor would act in the same way if the roles were changed and Serena had had the stroke. She doesn't realise that she has spoken aloud until Chantelle reaches over and squeezes her arm.

"Of course she would, you're _her_ Mum."

Chantelle's words of comfort are unexpected but not unwelcome and goes a little way to confronting the fear that Serena wasn't aware she had – of being left alone, of having no-one – the result of her drive for independence. She isn't quite certain how they've reached this point, Chantelle supporting Serena as she attempts to apologise to the nurse.

This whole interaction is a one off; the recent and normal rules of engagement don't apply, they both know that neither of them will speak of this conversation again when they leave the room and as a result, Serena finds herself speaking more openly than she would dream of normally doing. Since arriving at Holby, she has been too busy trying to prove herself to the upper echelons of the hospital management and viewing them all as rivals to allow herself to accept any of their support and will continue to do so.

It's lonely at the top.

"I always prided myself on _not_ letting my personal life affect my professional life but it's happened twice and I failed miserably both times." Serena isn't feeling so chatty that she is going to tell the nurse about her divorce and how working on the same ward as the man she was divorcing was beyond awful for everyone within at least a half mile radius. It's not something she wants to relive under any circumstance.

Serena stands up and takes a step away from the bench, glad to not be sat on the uncomfortable wooden slats and she turns back round to see Chantelle's eyes tracking her movement. Serena looks down at the nurse and makes a conscious effort to relax her expression lest she end up scowling. Serena extends a hand to Chantelle and she pulls the nurse to her feet and into an embrace.

'For what it's worth – I'm sorry.' The apology is on the tip of Serena's tongue but she remains silent, not quite able to say the words out loud. After several heartbeats, Serena removes her arms from Chantelle and steps back, brushing down the front of her shirt out of habit.

"Well then, Nurse Lane," Serena addresses Chantelle professionally but with more warmth than she's managed since her mother's stroke. "Shall we start again?"

Serena gestures to the door with an outstretched arm and Chantelle takes a deep breath and nods. There's a ghost of a smile on the blonde nurse's face and Serena knows it will take time but she has every confidence that Chantelle will get there.

* * *

Serena waits a moment after Chantelle has returned to the ward before following her; she watches the nurse return to the nurses' station still a far cry from her usual self but with a little more life in her stride than Serena has seen recently. She makes a mental note to thank Chantelle for continuing to visit Adrienne and help with her speech therapy but concedes that is a task for another day.

Serena tries not to frown as Ric moves over to intercept the blonde nurse, obviously checking that Chantelle is in one piece after a conversation with her. Ric's pompous interference annoys her as well as making Serena feel a little shamefaced that such an action is probably warranted given Serena's behaviour over the past few months.

Serena pauses at the doorway to the staff locker room, watching Ric talk to Chantelle who nods and smiles gently, allaying his concern with her words until she moves off to check on a patient. Both consultants know that Chantelle can't lie to save her life and apparently satisfied with the answers he's got, Ric's gaze unerringly falls onto Serena and he nods slowly and deliberately.

Serena inclines her head slightly, returns the gesture and heads back towards her office - the relationship between the two women isn't magically fixed but it's a step in the right direction. They've reached an understanding and a starting point.

* * *

**Well there we go! I hope you enjoyed and/or found it believable; feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you thought. I don't know if the Holby writers have something planned for these two but if not, I reckon they may have missed a trick.**


End file.
